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CONTENTS INTRODUCTION * From predicting divorce to preventing it: An introductory message from John and Julie Gottman CHAPTER 1-"All you ever do is work!" * Our analysis: A cycle of criticize/defend/counter-criticize * Our advice * One year later * Healthy complaining vs. harmful complaining * The "oversensitive" partner * When one partner works too much * Quiz: Is there too much criticism in your relationship? * Exercise: Listen for the longing behind your partner's complaints * Exercise: What's your mission? What's your legacy? CHAPTER 2-"Will we ever get over your affair?" * Our analysis: Sidestepping difficult feelings blocks emotional intimacy * Our advice * One year later * The hazards of avoiding conflict * The affair-prone Marriage * Quiz: Do you avoid conflicts or do you talk about them? * Exercise: Calm down to avoid flooding * Exercise: Identifying your feelings * * Exercise: The marital poop detector CHAPTER 3-"After all the crises in our lives, we don't feel close anymore" * Our analysis: Stress creates emotional distance and hinders romance * Our advice * One year later * How a little selfishness can help your marriage * Quiz: How much stress have you had lately? * Exercise: Steps to a healthier lifestyle * Exercise: Keep your love map up-to-date CHAPTER 4-"You never talk to me" * Our analysis: Attacks and counter-attacks make the marriage unsafe for conversation * Our advice * One year later * The antidotes to contempt: Fondness and admiration * Quiz: Is there more room for fondness and admiration in your marriage? * Exercise: Three things I like about you * Exercise: Nurturing fondness in your relationship: A seven-week plan CHAPTER 5-"You don't care about my dreams" * Our analysis: Ignoring dreams beneath the conflict stalls communication * Our advice * One year later * Your hidden dreams and aspirations: The "prairie dogs" of marital conflict * Quiz: What are the dreams within your conflicts? * Exercise: Responding to dreams within your conflict CHAPTER 6 -"You're so distant and irritable all the time" * Our analysis: Avoiding emotional intensity postpones healing * Our advice * One year later * Helping your partner through depression * Quiz: Are you depressed? * Quiz: Are you anxious? * Exercise: Establish a ritual for stress-reducing conversation CHAPTER 7-"I shouldn't have to nag!" * Our analysis: Harsh words and defensiveness trump good intentions * Our advice * One year later * Quiz: Harsh start-up: A problem in your marriage? * Exercise: Turning harsh start-up to softened start-up * Quiz: Are you open to your partner's influence? * Exercise: Using the Aikido principle to accept influence CHAPTER 8-"There's no passion, there's no fun" * Our analysis: Failure to express anger leads to emotional distance * Our advice * One year later * How anger can enhance a marriage * A special message for husbands: "Embrace her anger" * Quiz: How do you feel about anger? * Exercise: When you and partner have different ideas about anger * Exercise: Responding to anger in a helpful way CHAPTER 9-"We only have time for the kids now" * Our analysis: Focus on the kids disguises the real trouble-failure at expressing needs * Our advice * Two months later * What's wrong with a child-centered marriage? * Quiz: Is your marriage child-centered? * Exercise: Give me a clue * Exercise: Turning toward your partner's bids for connection * Busting the myth of spontaneity in romance * Exercise: A blueprint for conflict mediation CHAPTER 10-"You're not satisfied unless there's some drama" * Our analysis: Perpetual issues lead to conflict avoidance, lack of connection * Our advice * Two years later * Don't get gridlocked over perpetual issues * Quiz: What are your perpetual issues and what are your gridlocked problems? * Exercise: Creating a culture of shared values and meaning * Exercise: Thanksgiving checklist
Library of Congress Subject Headings for this publication:
Married people -- Psychology.