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CONTENTS PREFACE 00 ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS 00 THE 101 QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS ONE: WHAT IS CATHOLIC MARRIAGE? 00 Historical and Scriptural Backgrund 1. What is the Catholic understanding of Christian marriage? 00 2. How does the wedding reflect this understanding? 00 3. If we are marrying each other, why do we need a church ceremony? 00 4. What texts in the Old Testament do Christians cite or quote in defining marriage? 00 5. Why didn't Jesus marry? Could Jesus have been married? 00 6. What do the Gospels tell us about marriage? Were Jesus' apostles married? 00 7. I have heard that Paul was negative about marriage. Is this true? 00 8. Today people speak about equality in marriage. Isn't Paul's--and the New Testament's--view rather one-sided and always favoring the male's role? 00 Church Teachings 9. How has the Catholic concept of marriage evolved? Have Catholics always looked at marriage the same way as they do now? 00 10. What changes in the Catholic view of marriage did Vatican II bring about? 00 11. Has the official church subsequently offered further teaching on marriage? 00 12. Why do Catholics make a big deal about marriage being a sacrament, while other Christians usually say nothing about this? 00 13. Is there a difference between the way Catholics and Protestants look at marriage? 00 14. What is the difference between a sacramental and a non-sacramental marriage? 00 15. Has the church's view on "mixed" marriages changed in recent years? 00 16. Do we, my non-Catholic intended spouse and I, need to make special promises such as raising our children as Catholics? 00 17. Is marriage a lower state than religious life? 00 18. Why can't priests marry? 00 19. I don't care about where I get married. My family is putting pressure on me to marry in the Catholic Church. What should I do? 00 TWO: WHAT IS MARRIAGE PREPARATION? General Planning 20. Why are we required to do marriage preparation? 00 21. When and why did the church institute the six- months "waiting" period between making the initial arrangements and the actual wedding ceremony? 00 22. Since the church asks us to wait six months before we marry, what are the preparations we are expect- ed to complete in the meantime? 00 23. My doctor recently told me that I am pregnant. Should my future spouse and I ask for an exception to the six-months preparation policy? 00 24. Is Engaged Encounter mandatory for all people who want to marry in the church? 00 25. I have some personal difficulties with the people who run the Engaged Encounter in the area where I live. Do I have options other than the Engaged Encounter? 00 26. Is a celibate priest in any position to talk about mar- riage to engaged people? 00 27. My intended spouse and I have been living together for almost two years. Now we are ready to marry, so we don't think we need a marriage preparation course. Won't the preparation of having already lived together greatly help our marriage succeed? 00 28. Those banns that are posted with people's names-- what are they all about? 00 29. My intended spouse and I both work and live in cities distant from each other. How can we go through a marriage preparation program together? 00 30. My intended spouse was married before but obtained a church annulment. Do we still need to go through marriage preparation? 00 31. My fiancée is non-Catholic. Do we still have to go through Catholic marriage preparation? 00 32. How does marriage preparation, especially sharing experiences with other couples, help the chances of having a successful marriage? 00 33. I have heard that people are required to undergo a written test to see if they are compatible with each other. What is this "test" all about? If we fail it can we still marry in the church? What areas does it cover? 00 Finances 34. Why do finances always seem to be the first ques- tion people want to discuss? 00 Sexuality 35. What aspects of sexuality present challenges? 00 36. How realistic is the sex you see between couples in movies versus the reality of sex within marriage? 00 Children 37. My future spouse and I do not want children. There are enough people in the world and we do not wish to add to the population explosion. Why does the church frown on this attitude? 00 38. How can we decide together how many children to have and when to have them? 00 39. Is it true that artificial birth control is condemned by the church? 00 40. How is natural family planning different from the rhythm method my grandparents practiced? 00 41. The inability to have children receives much scruti- ny today. What changes in attitude occur if a couple discovers they cannot have children? 00 In-Laws 42. In-laws are another of the big areas for discussion. What issues do they present? 00 43. Am I supposed to love my in-laws right away? Should I call them "Mom" and "Dad?" 00 44. My future father-in-law is very sarcastic and uses teasing as a way to show affection. It makes me uncomfortable. I've asked my fiancé to confront him about it, but so far he hasn't. Am I being too sensitive? 00 Communication 45. What do you mean by communication and why is it so important?` 00 46. When my fiancé and I fight, we often go days with- out speaking to one another. Is this a danger sign? 00 47. My fiancée says I am not a good listener. I think I am, but why is it so important anyway? 00 48. We've heard that marriage is more than a 50-50 proposition. What is meant by that? Should both give 100 percent? 00 49. I want to keep my own name, my future husband is against it. We are arguing a lot about this now dur- ing our marriage preparation time. How can we resolve this? 00 THREE: HOW DO WE PLAN THE WEDDING CEREMONY? When and Where? 50. Why can't Catholics marry on Sundays? 00 51. Is it true you can't get married during Lent? 00 52. What documentation will the church require from my intended spouse and me? 00 53. My future spouse and I met at college. Most of the people who will be present at our wedding are classmates. Must we marry in the bride's or groom's parish, or can we pick another parish? 00 Who's Officiating? 54. What is the role of the priest at the ceremony? 00 55. Must the pastor or associate pastor perform the wedding ceremony or can we ask a priest or deacon friend to preside? 00 56. My fiancé is Jewish. Can a Rabbi perform our cere- mony? Can I have a priest present? 00 57. Since my intended spouse has been married before, can we get married in the church? What plans should we make? 00 58. Would the church permit me to marry in my fiancé's non-Catholic but Christian church? 00 Wedding Parties 59. Must the best man and maid of honor be Catholics? 00 60. Is there a limit to the number of bridesmaids and groomsmen we can have at our wedding? 00 61. My spouse has been married before and has chil- dren. Can they be part of the ceremony, such as being best man or maid of honor? 00 Vows and Symbols 62. I want to get married in my friend's beautiful apple orchard but was told I can't. Why can't Catholics marry in the outdoors? 00 63. How much freedom do we have in planning the cer- emony? 00 64. Must we have a Mass? Many non-Catholics will be present at the wedding and know very little about Catholic ceremonies. 00 65. My fiancée's extended family is mostly Protestant. Can they, and the other non-Catholic guests, receive communion at our wedding? 00 66. Even though my future spouse is not a Catholic, we would like to have a wedding Mass. Is that possible? 00 67. African-American friends of ours recently "jumped the broom" at their Catholic wedding. What is the significance of that custom and can symbols of a couple's ethnic heritage be incorporated into the ceremony? 00 68. What freedom do my fiancée and I have in writing our own vows and picking the scripture readings? 00 69. We want to read aloud a poem we wrote for one another. Is this allowed? 00 70. My fiancée and I have a special song, but it doesn't have a spiritual theme. Can it be sung during our wedding ceremony? 00 71. Do women still have to promise to "obey" their husbands? 00 Details and Logistics 72. I want both my parents to walk me down the aisle. Is this allowed? 00 73. What does the wedding ring symbolize? Is it a nec- essary part of the ceremony? 00 74. Can we have a unity candle at our ceremony? 00 75. Can we decorate the church with flowers, pictures, and other things? 00 76. Can we throw rice at the end of the service? 00 77. How much are we supposed to pay the people involved in our ceremony, including the priest, the musicians, and the parish wedding coordinator? 00 78. Is it okay to take photographs and videotape the ceremony? 00 79. Are there any state regulations we should be aware of? 00 FOUR: AFTER THE MARRIAGE CEREMONY The First-Year Challenge 80. Older married couples have told us that there can be a letdown after the wedding and the honeymoon. Why is that? How can we prevent that letdown? 00 81. Longtime married couples say that, looking back, their first year of marriage was one of the hardest years. Why is that so? 00 82. Longtime married couples say most of their fights the first year centered on the distribution of house- hold chores, such as who does the laundry, cooking, yard work. This seems so mundane. What is going on? 00 83. Longtime married couples also say that fighting (and not just about housework) is part of all healthy marriages. But how can we learn to do healthy fighting our first year of marriage? 00 84. Why is it so hard to find time for each other during the first year of marriage? 00 85. What problems arise in the first year of marriage concerning expectations of your spouse? 00 86. What financial decision must be made the first year of marriage? 00 87. Does a person start to lose his or her individual per- sonality or self-image in that first year of marriage? 00 88. What kind of stance toward outside relationships does a newly married couple need to adopt? 00 89. How do relationships with friends change? 00 90. How can the first year of marriage be joyful rather than just a series of adjustments and misunderstand- ings? 00 91. What resources are available for us in the Catholic Church to guide us through the first year of mar riage? 00 Faith Sharing 92. How important is it to join a faith community right away? 00 93. Do we need to attend church together? 00 Traditions 94. We received hundreds of wedding presents. Who should write the thank-you notes? 00 95. Are there any traditions which we should set up right away as a couple that will help keep our mar- riage strong? 00 96. We are both part of big, extended families. This first Thanksgiving and Christmas everyone wants us at their house. How do we decide where to spend the holidays? 00 Final Thoughts 97. One older couple told us to remember to treat each other the kind way we treat strangers and acquain- tances. What exactly do they mean? 00 98. Do couples generally set new goals after they marry? 00 99. Can Catholics divorce? 00 100. What is the role of the annulment process? 00 101. Finally, is there any overall advice you would give a couple who plan to marry? 00 NOTES FOR FURTHER READING
Library of Congress Subject Headings for this publication:
Marriage -- Religious aspects -- Catholic Church -- Miscellanea.
Marriage service -- Miscellanea.