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Walking with the Monster
Life
was radical
right after I met
the monster.
Later, life
became
harder,
complicated.
Ultimately,
a living
hell,
like swimming
against a riptide,
walking
the wrong
direction in the fast
lane of the freeway,
waking
from sweetest
dreams to find yourself
in the middle of a
nightmare.
You Know My Story
Don't you? All about
my dive
into the lair of the monster
drug some people call crank.
Crystal. Tina. Ice.
How a summer visit
to my dad sent me
into
the arms of a boy -- a
hot-bodied hunk, my
very first love, who led
me down the path to
insanity.
How I came home
no longer
Kristina Georgia
Snow, gifted high
school junior, total
dweeb, and
perfect
daughter, but
instead a stranger
who called herself Bree.
How, no matter
how hard
Kristina
fought her, Bree
was stronger, brighter,
better equipped to deal
with a world where
everything moved at light
speed, everyone mired
in ego. Where "everyday"
became
another word
for making love with
the monster.
It Wasn't a Long Process
I went to my dad's in June, met Adam
the very first day. It took some time
to pry him from his girlfriend's grasp.
But within two weeks, he introduced
me to the monster. One time was all
it took to want more. It's a roller-
coaster ride. Catch the downhill
thrill, you want to ride again,
enough to endure the long,
hard climb back up again.
In days, I was hooked on
Adam, tobacco, and meth,
in no particular order. But
all summer vacations must
end. I had to come home to
Reno. And all my new bad
habits came with me. It was
a hella speed bump, oh yeah.
Until I hurt for it, I believed
I could leave the crystal behind.
But the crash-and-burn was more
than I could take. When the jet landed,
I was still buzzed from a good-bye binge.
My family crowded round me at the airport,
discussing summer plans and celebration
dinners,
and all I wanted to do was skip off for
another snort.
Mom kept trying to feed me. My stepfa-
ther, Scott, kept
trying to ask questions about my visit
with Dad. My
big sister, Leigh, wanted to talk about
her new girlfriend,
and my little brother, Jake, kept
going on about soccer.
It didn't take long to figure out I
was in serious trouble.
Not the Kind of Trouble
You might think I'm
talking about. I was pretty
sure I could get away with
B.S.ing Mom and Scott.
I'd always been such a good
girl, they wouldn't make the
jump to "bad" too quickly.
Especially not if I stayed cool.
I wasn't worried about
getting busted at school
or on the street. I'd only just
begun my walk with the monster.
I still had meat on my bones,
the teeth still looked good.
I didn't stutter yet. My mouth
could still keep up with my brain.
No, the main thing I worried
about was how I could score
there, at home. I'd never even
experimented with pot, let alone
meth. Where could I go?
Who could I trust with my
money, my secrets? I couldn't
ask Leigh. She was the prettiest
lesbian you've ever seen. But
to my knowledge she had
never used anything stronger
than a hearty glass of wine.
Not Sarah, my best friend since
fourth grade, or any of my
old crowd, all of whom lived by
the code of the D.A.R.E. pledge.
I really didn't need to worry,
of course. All I had to do
was leave things up to Bree,
the goddess of persuasion.
Before I Continue
I just want to remind you
that turning into Bree
was a conscious decision
on my part. I never really
liked Kristina that much.
Oh, some things about her
were pretty cool -- how she
was loyal to her family
and friends. How she loved
easily. How she was good
at any and all things artistic.
But she was such a brain,
with no sense of fashion
or any idea how to have fun.
So when fun presented
itself, I decided someone
new would have to take charge.
That someone was Bree.
I chose her name (not sure where
I got it), chose when to become her.
What I didn't expect was discovering
she had always been there, inside of me.
How could Kristina and Bree
live inside of one person?
How could two such different halves
make up the whole of me?
How could Bree have possibly survived,
stuck in Kristina's daily existence?
The Funny Thing Was
Bree solved the meth dilemma on a family
trip to Wild Waters, Scott's annual
company picnic. Sarah came The first
was
along to spend time with a truly
gorgeous
Kristina. But Bree lifeguard.
Turned out
had other things Brendan wasn't
so pretty
in mind. on the inside, but even
Bree, who
thrived on intuition, was
clueless. Hard
on the make, Brendan
shared booze, cigarettes.
But one guy wasn't quite enough. I
also ran into Chase Wagner that
day. His outside wasn't as I found out
attractive, but inside he soon enough
that
was fine. Of course, both Chase and
Brendan
I didn't know knew the score
-- and both
that yet. were interested in
me. Brendan
only wanted sex; Chase
offered love.
Either way, I had my path to
the monster.
My Mom and Stepfather
Later, I discovered that Robyn, my
old friend Trent's sister (not to
mention an "in" cheerleader), It didn't take
tweaked to stay thin long to immerse
and "pep up." She myself in the
lifestyle.
taught me how Didn't take long for
school
to smoke it. to go to shit; for friend
-ships and
dedication to family to falter.
Didn't
take long to become a slave to the
monster.
Tried to stop me before
it all went completely wrong.
Kristina spent almost a whole
year GUFN -- grounded
until further notice.
But Bree was really good
at prying open windows
at night, lying with a straight
face, denying she had
slipped so far downhill.
Nothing slowed me down.
Not losing my virginity
to Brendan's rape. Not
spending a few days
in juvenile hall.
The only thing that kept
me sane was Chase's love,
despite all I put him through.
He even swore to love me
when I told him I was pregnant.
Pregnant. And Brendan
was the father. Bree considered
abortion. Exorcism. Kristina
understood the baby was not
the demon. His father was.
But you know this part
of the story. You followed
me on my journey through
the monster's territory.
We wound up here.
Who am I now, three
months after I left you,
standing on the deck
with me, listening to my
new baby, crying inside?
I told you then, the monster
is a way of life, one it's
difficult to leave behind,
no matter how hard you try.
I have tried, really I have.
Maybe if Chase had stayed
with me, instead of running
off to California, in search
of his dreams. Then again,
I told him to go.
Maybe if I had dreams
of my own to run off in
search of. I did once.
But now I have no plans
for a perfect tomorrow.
All I have is today.
T for Today
I'd really like to tell you I have a nice little place with
a white picket fence, flowers in the garden, and Winnie-
the-Pooh, Eeyore, and Tigger, too, on baby blue nursery
walls. I'd like to inform you that I am on a fast track to
a college degree and a career in computer animation --
something I've aimed for, ever since I found out I could
draw. I'd love to let
you know I left the
monster screaming
in my dust, shut my
ears, scrambled back
to my family, back to
my baby, my heart. I
could tell you those
things, but they'd be
lies -- nothing new for
me, true. But if all I
wrote was lies, you
wouldn't really know
my story. I want you
to know. Not a day
passes when I don't
think about getting
high. Strung. Getting
out of this deep well
of monotony I'm
slowly drowning in.
Copyright © 2007 by Ellen Hopkins